| I'm back! |
[Jan. 5th, 2009|07:55 am] |
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| |  moody | ] |
I know where have I been well actually I just have been neglecting my live journal responsibilities. Sorry anyway nothing exciting has happened nothing dramatic I didn't get married or have any more kids I didn't win he lotto or go on any great vacation to tell you all about just being me and trying to raise my son which now that he is about to be a middle school-er makes me feel old!! I had a good Holiday season and New Years and I have been excited about starting 2009 off right ya know with all the resolutions and to do list. I try not to put too much pressure on myself so that I don't get totally depressed if I don't succeed. This year I really plan on doing the total get healthy spirit,body & mind. Hopefully that will lead to loosing some weight and finding a better job making a decent salary. I might even finally meet a great guy and finally catch up with all my adult friends and be able to list myself as married instead of single although being single has its perks too!! Anyway like I said not too much has gone on in my life since the last time I wrote like 2 years ago! Yikes. |
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| How stupid are you? |
[Jul. 5th, 2007|10:56 am] |
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Okay I am here to announce to the world how stupid I really am. Ok maybe stupid is too strong maybe I should say "not so bright" anyway I had some family come in town for the holiday on there way to Savannah and we did the whole tourist stuff the aquarium the zoo,centenial park and I for some reason decided that taking them to stone mtn for the 4rth celabration would be the perfect ending to there trip here. Yes I did that. now I have lived in Ga almost my entire 34 years of living and I have only gone to stone mtn fireworks once on the 4th and it was such a headache I vowed to never return so I usually hang outside the park near my house close enough to see the fireworks but far enough away to get home quick and not deal with drunk crazy people. So why in the hell would I think now of all times would be any different. No I am not blond!! So we figured we will pack a cooler take some chairs a grill a blanket some toys for thekids and go early get a good spot then do all the stn mtn b.s. the sky lift,train,kids treehouse etc.etc. then grill dogs chill on the lawn throw the frisbe relax watch the laser show and the fireworks. HaHaHaHaHa, yeah right!! well we got there early got a great perfect incredible spot right in front of the carving rigt up against a stone wall plenty of space a sidewalk in front(thinking we should be able to see just fine even if there are folks walking back and forth? right) we go do all the crap all day check back ever so often all is good decide to go sit down and eat then come back and get ready for the show. come back and some stupid freakin dumb asses had put all their chairs on the sidewalk right in front of all these people that got there early to get spot made all these plans and now have to deal with these fools that got there late right before it starts an so they just planted themselves in a very stupid place. so all the people that needed to go back and forth had to walk through the grass all over us:/ not happy. millions of people with big ass strollers and coolers and all their crap stepping on my feet hitting me in the face with their crap then if that wasn't bad enough when the laser show started they just stood there and never sat down in their stupid chairs taking up space. I swear I was about to fight I tried to ask them to move back and sit down so all thekids could see but they actually said no I think it wasn't English but since they didn't move. So I will never ever ever go there again on the 4th. the only good well miracle of it all we made it back to our car and got hom in less than 20 min. Still I do not plan on going back again. I have to say though the fireworks were awesome. love those things. |
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| my christmas story |
[Jan. 2nd, 2007|11:10 pm] |
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| |  cold | ] |
Okay so I know I'm a total slacker about posting my adventures or even my silly thoughts on this journal but I felt I Had to share my crazy christmas adventure story. Okay so my brother decided that he wanted to take me and my son on a ski trip for our christmas present this year. note: I have never skiied and either had my son but we looked forward to it and since we live in the south where it doesn't snow much we had to get an entire new snow wardrobe head to toe and so after finally getting all the stuff we would need christmas finally came and my brother got in town we rented a car and promptly left the ATL at 4am on the 26th. Yes we were driving from Ga to Colorado. We did pretty well made it to kansas and spent the night only had another 500 miles left to Boulder the next day. we were staying at a friend of my brothers house which was perfect. Got up on Thursday and headed to Keystone for our skiing and snow boarding lessons my brother had arranged anyway my 8yr old went off with his group and finally I made to my class of which I was the only person who had never been on skis before,yikes. anyway oh side note: I have this brain thing that keeps my brain from getting a ample amount of oxygen so being at a 5,000 above sea level elavation hit me like a ton of bricks and after my 2nd run down the oh so cute bunny slope I became pretty ill and had to hit the medical tent. just my luck ya know. anyway my brother and my son at least were out snow boarding their hearts out and all was getting better. then it started to snow which is good if your in a ski town wanting to ski but we found out that it was a storm coming in pretty quick and it looked like it was going to be pretty bad for a couple days. several hours later my bro makes it off the slopes my son makes in from his lessons and we take off back to the house. Sounds easy enough right well at this point it isnowing really hard and the wind is blowing around 30mph and the roads are starting to freeze up b/c the temps are dropping and we have an hour drive back to the house. Stay with me here I know this is long. We hear that the main hwy we took in is starting to have some realy issues an they are closing parts of it of course right. anyway my poor brother is freaking out trying to drive in this now we call it the blizzard of 06. Now keep in mind i'm from Ga we don't have snow not like Colorado snow and I have no idea nor does my brother of how to deal with a snow emergency we don't have chains for the car it's not an suv nor does it have snow tires you can't see through the windshield b/c the snow is freezing to the wipers. the semi trucks are all over the road. We finally find an exit that doesn't look to bad and we pull off the road we barely make it down the ramp to the nearest gas station through the slush and frozenslush. Oh yeah we need gas in a bad way! So we gill up and then can't get out of the parking lot. yep we were stuck in some little Colorado town at least 30min from the house and a 8yr old scared to death in a car in front of a gas station store. So we make the decision to put in a dvd and call it a night. Hell we had a 24hour store,gas,food,water,dvd's,plenty of snow gear and bathrooms!!! we slept as well as we could several other folks got stuck there too so there was a group of us. ha ha ha. anyway we woke up to a big tractor clearing the parking lot the next morning around 4am. Thank god Colorado unlike Ga has equipment to clear snow!! Okay so we finally get back on the road and make it back to Boulder and the house. Lucky for us the next day was nice and no more snow came in so we hung out and mad snow men and snow angels had a snow ball fight,They got the roads cleared and so we got to go up eo Eldora the next day and the boys did some more snow boarding and hung out in the lodge drinking hot coffee and watching all the tourist it was great. So anyway we survived the ski trip not broken bones no frost bite. Overall we had a blast but just like True Curtis fashion or we like to call ourselves "the Griswalds" vacation was one to put in the books. 20inches of snow when we come through town. that just cracks me up. Hope everyone else had wonderful holidays. Here is too 2007!!!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 13th, 2006|01:14 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | aggravated | ] |
OKAY I know why am I just now doing an entry it has only been like what 50 years since my last one. yikes. I know slacker numero uno!!!! so anyway I was really bored which I am alot these days I have turned into a bitter unemployed unhealthy whinny brat. yep I know suck it up right get a job already and move on with it.. sounds so easy wish it was. anyone know a job that needs filling. desperately seeking!! anyway so I'm trying to get enrolled in school andfigure out what I want to do when I grow up? I never remember being a kid and saying to myself I want to be a doctor when I grow up or a pop star? I guess I just never felt a passion about one thing. that's kinda sad actually. How do people know what their passion is anyway. I mean you hear actors say how great it is to go to work every day doing something your passionate about. I know things I like and I know things that sound cool to do not sure if it is a passion of mine or not but at t his point I just want a frickin job something that will pay some bills and give me a purpose again. I feel like such a looooooser!!!! big fat "L" on my head!!!! I mean who turns 33 and becomes jobless and lives with their parents and doesn't have a man or really any friends for that matter. One that I can say for sure but everyone else grew up and became adults with JOBS!!!!! I want to go to school but I need a job to go to school b/c it cost money and I don't have a college fund just laying around to blow on myself. How pathetic am I please someone just tell me to shut my hole and get over it already. I know I know actually my son starts the 3rd grade tomorrow booohooo he is growing up way to fast how can I stop him. anyway I'm thinking maybe with him out of the house for a few hours I can really get some stuff done like finding a job. the internet doesn't work anymore I swear and because I can't drive anymore I'll have to find out the bus schedule so I can figure out how to get to some of these places and hopefully end up working again. I just realized the last time I posted was back in September of 05 wow. so hope the live journal world is well. I hope I won't wait another year to post again. bye for today.
Jules |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 17th, 2005|04:29 pm] |
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| | cheerful | ] |
okay so I realize it has ben a very long time since I have put any thoughts in to this thing so I figured now was as good of time as any. needless to say i'm on the tail end of lots of drama in my life. when I think about it,my life has never been average. always some kind of rare wierd thing. take for example that at the age of 5 I chocked so much usually on a daily basis that my doc told my mom I had to have my tonsils out that day or I could be in danger of chocking to death and once they were removed they weren't your normal size oh hell no mine were the size of golf balls amazing I ever got any food down my throat at all. then when I was 9 or 10 I was running and my mom called my name and I ran right into a 8inch in diameter pipe sticking out of the ground and broke my shinbone, painful I know. then when I was 14 I was playing softball and was playing catcher when some chic swung and hit me in the back of the head with a bat, kocking me senseless. how does that happen. oh and the big surprise of course was finding out I was 7mths pregnant, when I thought I was dieing. oh no just about to give birth and I couldn't even do that in anormal way. I go to the doctor for a check up and he sends me to the hospital for a c section b/c during puperty my pelvic bones didn't spread like they should and the little guy didn't stand a chance of making it through into the world. that brings me to this past year when I was diagnosed with a rare disease called moya moya which normally only effects japaneese woman and children. oh only 1 out of 2 million people have it.. oh but I get it. a very white american woman. geezz.. I'm sure everyone has those crazy stories about their childhood. mine just don't seem to stop. but I do have to say I learned something from all of them.. chew your food thouroughly, stand further back in the batting box. watch where you are going especially when you are running, don't ever beilieve those pregnancy test go straight for an ultra sound. and never think, there's no way that could happen to me, crazier things are possible. |
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| just a thought.... |
[Jun. 16th, 2004|01:14 pm] |
I've learned that you cannot make
someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years
to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by
on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big willy
or huge boobs.
I've learned that you shouldn't
compare yourself to others - they are
more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting
long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible
for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of
how hot and steamy a relationship is at
first, the passion fades, and there had better
be a lot of money to take its place!
I've learned that 99% of the time when
something isn't working in your house, one
of your kids did it.
I've learned that the people you care most
about in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less important ones just never go away. |
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| Tuesday's thoughts! |
[Jun. 1st, 2004|10:23 am] |
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I was just reading some entries and realized how lucky I am. Don't get me wrong, I do often sit back and think about where I am in my personal life and my professional life and if i'm happy with it. I do think of how I wish things were different but maybe something is wrong with me or maybe I just live in denial but I have my son and my parents and I have a decent job and I like my co workers and I have a few really close friends that I love to talk to and hang out with when we can get it together and I get to go on vacations and I don't have extreme debt to pay back. I don't live in a house I own and I don't have the most perfect car, there is always one you would love to have and I don't have a boyfriend or whatever and I have some things I would like to improve to myself and my savings account isn't as full as I would like. But I'm not lonely or sad. I'm not feeling incomplete or unappreciatated. I've only really been disappointed by one boy in my life so I don't have too many wounds to heal. I think I'm a pretty good mom and daughter and friend. I hope so at least. I try to always do my best and even though I know there are things I could do better I continue to have hope. I know that this sounds like I'm painting this picture of paradise but really what do I have to complain about.. not too much.. what do I have to ponder on to figure out how to fix.. the things in my life that I know are up to me to make changes are . What kind of mother am I, am I teaching my son the best morals and life lessons that I can, do I yell too much or not enough. Do I hug him enough and tell him how much I love him enough. Do I talk about what interest him enough. Do I play enough with him and read enough books to him.. Do I tell my parents and friends how much they mean to me enough. Do I try hard enough to do better for myself and my son. Am I honest and hard working all the time. I know there are things I need to do better and I know that is compeltely up to me to do.. I know that I am missing out on things b/c I don't always push myself to step out of my box and try new things. I know that I let my health go down hill out of laziness and bad habits and that I'm the only one that can change that.. I have learned from watching and listening that I can not trust compeletly my life to anyone else other than my maker and myself.. to do what is best and make the right choices and to not allow myself to fall victim to the why me attitude b/c that doesn't get me anywhere other than deeper in a hole that doesn't have a ladder. I have decided to make a list.. I love to make list and set some realistic goals for myself that I really want to do with no real time frame just to give myself the opprutunity to do them... I want to read the Oprah summer book club selection, I hate to read but I really want to try and do that.. I want to stick to an exercise program that I enjoy.. no excuses.. I want to play with my son more often outside! I want to start doing all the things I talk about, painting my room and my son's room.. having a garage sale, getting a pool to cool of in during those hot summer days, even if it is a blow up baby pool ha ha ha.. make my own greeting card and send to someone I love for no reason other than to just say hello, I missed you!!! try to get in touch with someone I haven't talked to in awhile and do lunch!! get a facial just for me... take my parents to dinner and a movie.. go to church and reconnect with my spirit... go to the beach and watch a sunset. Eat some fresh seafood or have a cookout with my friends.. I just want to live life more fully and not say I wish I had.. ya know.. |
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| The world according to Julie |
[May. 18th, 2004|02:33 pm] |
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not too much going on. I'm working well trying to work. My eyes get crossed and I find myself wandering off. I have been really busy lately. Between vacations and catching up at work and Avery's baseball tournament and doctor appts and my dad's health and stuff at the house and races and money issues and bill collectors and those so important reality tv shows you have to watch and the bath time and oh yeah dinner and sleeping..ha ha ha i'm sure you get my point. Before you know it the day is over and you haven't put a dent into any of it.. I'm the queen of making "to do" list. I love checking stuff off of it... ha ha ha.. I have to say I never knew just how much it takes to raise a child. I guess however I could do it without all the extra activities. My son has been playing baseball that cost me almost $200 after all is said and done. Then all the snacks you have to supply and time in the concession stand duty and then getting them to the practices and games each week and washing the uniform a million times.. but he has fun and it is fun to do it as a family so you do it, then he wants to do karate and it sounds like a great idea baseball is now over so it will replace that give him something to do and keep him active etc.. and that was like a car note another $200.. not to mention it is forcing me to change my work schedule all around to keep him there on time... and I'm sure down the road there will more fees for something. they always have something else you have to pay for on top of everything..a bag or a helmet a ribbon something and now I get the "it's time for football registration" flyer which he played last year and it was so much fun. It brought back a lot of memories of me and my child hood with my parents doing the same thing.. so now that is another $200 registration and i'll have to figure out how to work that into his karate class schedule b/c he really wants to do both which wow now I'm all confused.. Then you add on all the school stuff.. award ceremonies and plays and field day and teacher appreciation luncheons and confrences and mommy day luncheons and PTA meetings and carnivals and "your kid is throwing up come and get him" days... and now it is summer camp and getting ready for 1st grade.. Please do not get me wrong I am not complaining b/c to be honest I love every minute of it.. I love watching him learn and succeed and having fun.. I love seeing all of his accomplishments and watching him grow up and I am so lucky that I get to do all those things. I'm lucky that my boss allows me to take time off to do those things and to work my schedule around raising my son.. I am truly blessed.. just sometimes you have to write it all out and see what it all is..and I do appreciate my gift. As much as he can drive me to insanity he blows me away with love and happiness. There are some days when I can't believe he is 6 years old.. It seems like I just started this journey not too long ago.. I have no complaints. I really am one of the lucky ones.. My wish list really on consist of a few things. My nails to grow, to be able to successfully wear a poka dot bikini (come on special K) and to find a loving significant other for me and my son. well I have to get back to work.. all this stuff needs money to fund it and it's already 3pm.. |
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| shock!! |
[May. 14th, 2004|11:47 am] |
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Okay so I'm not the most weak stomach person there is but I have to say I just watched something that made me physically sick.. I actually didn't realize what I was going to watch someone at my work sent me a video I thought it was going to be one of those funny ones, it was that video of that man getting his head cut off by those terrorist.. the whole video with audio.. I had to turn it off I couldn't watch.. I'm so blown away. I know that war brings out the worst in people and that this stuff happens in every war all the way back to world war 1 but unfortuantely with todays technology and the damn internet we can actually witness the horror... I know everyone has such strong opinons about this war and whether we should be there or not and I won't start a big controversial conversation about it but I just wanted to say no matter what side of the fence you are on this man was only there to help and went on his own accord and it just makes it so much more horrible that they would take his life in such a in human manner.. I had to write something I didn't realize it would affect me like this.. I heard the story but I guess it didn't really hit me just how bad it was till I saw it.. I don't recommend anyone watching it... I wish I hadn't.. I have that visual in my head now and I can't get this sick feeling out of the gut of my stomach.. I just pray this won't happen again and that somehow we can find peace in all of this tragedy. Just my thought... |
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| My update on life.... |
[May. 12th, 2004|10:38 am] |
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Okay I know I never write in this thing. I have to say I find it more entertaining to read everyone eles's thoughts. But I figured I should at least write every once and a while... So nut much excitement in Julie World.. I took my son to Orlando last week we had a blast.. Got lots of rest just hanging by the pool sippin on my frosty beverage.. I thought of each of you often.. ha ha ha..I'm ready to go on another adventure.. I talked my mom into going to the Nascar Nextel All Star race in a couple weeks.. I think we will have fun.. It is just for one night but I know we will have a good time.. Me and my mom have started this new thing that we are going to do every year and that is to take mom / daughter trips.. maybe for just a few days at a time but to just be with each other as mom and daughter and as friends.. we both love it... I really want to try and talk my old pal Debbina into a trip to Myrtle Beach... It sucks that trips cost money but I really want to go to the beach and my birthday is coming up so I want to treat myself.. nothing wrong in that.. I have to say i've been pretty happy I of course have things in my life that I want to change or improve but over all I'm pretty blessed and I think things are good.. it's that time of year.. I love going to the pool and getting a tan and the smell of newly blooming honeysuckle.. oh my!!! There are so many things and places I want to go and experience.. thank god my son likes to ride in the car well most of the time b/c this is the time of year I love the most.. well until it gets to be 100 degrees outside but even then it makes going to chill at the river or the pool more fun b/c you can cool off in the water.. wow I want to go somewhere now.. but I have to get back to work.. so hope everyone has an awesome day.. |
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| Question of the Week? |
[Jan. 26th, 2004|10:24 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | working | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Clay Aiken!!! Ha Ha Ha | ] |
Are you a ho or a prude? I was listening to the radio and they were talking about men and woman and would most woman admit they were a ho as easily as men do. Based on how society is woman aren't allowed to be "ho's" b/c everyone would look down on you but men get a pat on the back for the more woman in is notched belt... so just a question to the readers.. would you say your a ho? I have to say some of the callers said they had 20 or more lovers and some of them were not legal to drink yet.. that scares me and I would consider them a little promiscuous but anyway.. so anyway.. I would say I fall in the not so hoish.. I will admit that I have only been with 10 men in my 30 years and only 4 were 1 night stands and I do know all their last names.. well actually all but one.. so what do you think? Ho or Prude? |
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| Happy!!! |
[Jan. 23rd, 2004|11:07 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | rejuvenated | ] |
Well I just had to sent a shout out to My Debina!! she is awesome.. I was moving a little slow this morning.. A little pissy b/c I can't stop and pick up my chicken biscuit from Mrs. Winners b/c of Dr Phil and his words of wisdom anyway.. so I get to work and there is only 2 folks working today everyone else is either on a cruise in the bahamas or texas counting parts.. (fyi i'm glad that isn't me) but anyway so not too excited about working today and of course there is lots of work to be done... I'm getting to my point I swear.. so anyway I brought in my cd's.. and I listened to a couple slow kinda relaxing cd's and was about to fall asleep when I came across this little blue cd that my bestest friend debina made me.. god bles her for being a bootie butt rump shackin gal!!!! This cd has got me bumping and shackin all in my cubicle... ha ha ha ha.. good thing I have my headset on so I can turn it up really loud.... and no one can hear the explicit lyrics... ha ha ha...so anyway thank you Debina!!! you have made my boring blah friday wonderful...
p.s. have you spotted kelly yet? :)
love ya honey!!! |
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| rough day! |
[Jan. 14th, 2004|10:06 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | annoyed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | movin on!!!! | ] |
Okay so here is the thing. You finally figure something out, get your feelings in check and for some on godly fucked up reason you are just sitting there minding your own and you have something happen that screws you up totally.. I have mentioned this boy in my past Jason that I feel I have dealt with as far as my feelings go and I have gotten to a point with my feelings about the past and about him and me that I felt like was honest and truthful but for some reason today well actually it has been brewing a couple days b/c he keeps text paging me which first off he never did that before from his work phone he didn't have the feature so why now anyway another story.. he text pages me and that's fine just short sweet howdy dudy stuff but then today he sends me a text page that says "are you in a nextel meeting" sounds like fun from the advertising" okay how would he know about this meeting.. ding ding ding your new girlfriend works for Nextel Retail oh yeah.. so then I reply and say "what are you talking about" b/c I didn't think he would have known about this big wig meeting we were having and he says I thought you had an all day meeting with nextel folks at the gwinnett civic center.. but get this he didn't text page me he calls the back end way so my phone doesn't ring and leaves a message saying this and says if that meeting isn't happening that would be good to know too (like useing me to check up on the girlfriend).. I know this sounds so stupid and small but I hate that his girlfriend works for the same company I do, and I hate that he can't call and have a conversation with me.. I'm not bitter I really am glad he has a girlfriend god love her b/c it ain't easy lovin that man but I'm feeling an invasion and I know I shouldn't but I don't like how i'm feeling..It reminds of one too many times in the past 13 years of history with him and me feeling this way, I know it is me and how I deal with him and it has taken a long time for me to be able to look at our past and move on from it and not wish things were different. I finally got to the point where I didn't want a future with him as my significant other happy ever after, so I don't know why this is bothering me. I don't want him back I don't feel upset that he has a girlfriend, but for some reason the fact that she works for the same company and he talks about he has a new phone and this meeting just struck me the wrong way.. it's like it's one thing to have my personal life and then I have my work life that I'm proud of and is mine.. so step the fuck back.. just kidding I don't know, I have lost it I guess. I think I'm going to have a long talk with him on our way to Bristol.. tell him how i'm feeling and how I think we are just going in different directions and that after so much times go by it is impossible to just jump back to where you leave off especially after we have both been through so much.. we had a really screwed unhealthy relationship before and I don't want that back but I don't see anything in the future.. I know this will pass and I won't have this wave of tension for ever but I had to vent.. I keep singing the words of my theme song "movin on" by rascal flats.. helps me to remember why I chose to move on... ha ha ha.. any suggestions for my lost of sanity.. here is my song:
I’m Moving On
I’ve dealt with my ghosts
And I’ve faced all my demons.
Finally content with a past I regret.
I’ve found you find strength in your
Moments of weakness
For once I’m at peace with myself.
I’ve been burdened with blame,
Trapped in the past for too long.
I’m moving on.
I’ve lived in this place and I know all the faces.
Each one is different but they’re always the same.
They mean me no harm but it’s time that I face it.
They’ll never rely on me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don’t belong.
I’m moving on.
I’m moving on
At last I can see (at last I can see)
Life has been patiently waiting for me.
And I know there’s no guarantees,
But I’m not alone.
There comes a time in everyone’s life
When all you can see are the years passin’ by.
And I have made up my mind
That those days are gone.
I’ve sold what I could and packed what I couldn’t
Stopped to fill up on my way outta town
I’ve loved like I should but lived like I shouldn’t.
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road.
I’m moving on…
I’m moving on…
I’m moving on… |
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| my questions answered! |
[Jan. 7th, 2004|11:01 am] |
1. If I had to wear my philosophy of life as a motto on a t-shirt, what would it be? I quess do on to others as you would have done on to you. : Treat people as humans with kindness and respect.
2.When was the last time I felt Joy? Not just pleasure, joy. Was it provoked by a someone, a something, a somewhere? That soaring feeling still lives inside of me. What can I do to wake it up? I am a lucky person in the sense that I have a child. He brings joy to me everyday along with some gray hair but mostly joy. When he laughs or says something amazing. When he figures out something new. So last night actually I felt joy when he said something during our old maid game that just struck me. (side note: playing old maid is an experience at 30)
3. Is there anything unfinished in my life that I am willing to walk away from? If I haven't thus far learned French, gotten a dog, started my own business, maybe it's time to make room for new dreams. Hit Delete. See what happens. I would have to really sit down and think about this one b/c I have several things that I would like to finish per say, school etc. I would love to learn a new language or have my own business not sure doing what but would be great to be my own boss.
4. Am I inhibited by a fear of failing? Just for a moment, pretend that failure is a triumph, not a shame. Now, what would I reach for, what would I risk? I am always scared of failing at work in love in the eyes of my parents and friends. I guess I would try to get my own house and go back to school, follow my dream of teaching special ed children.
5. If I were able to take my 10 year old self to lunch, what would he/she think of me? Do I still have his/her passions.... opinions.....willfullness? Do I still know what he/she knows? Ya know I thought about this for awhile and I don’t know. I don’t know what I dreamed of when I was 10 or what my passions were. I think I was just always happy and living in the moment but I don’t know how my 10 year old self would react to me. I guess I wouldn’t be surprised by my life. Maybe a little disappointed that I didn’t go to college.
6. Do I believe in God? What exactly is my position on the Big Questions? Do I have spiritual beliefs that are truly my own, not someone else’s? I do believe in God and enjoy spirituality and the power it makes you feel. I fell peaceful when I allow myself to be spiritual, but I don’t make enough of an effort to do that and I will go forward, whether it is going to a church or reading the bible or just personal time to reflect and be peaceful with god.
7. Have I made a home for myself? Or am I still waiting for my Real Life to begin? I already know I don't have to be married or mortgaged or otherwise permanently committed to nest. So what's keeping me from saying this is my Real Life right now? I have made a home but not really the one I would say I want. I have gotten comfortable in my home (at my parents) and so I have stopped myself from moving on and making a home of my own for me and my son but I plan on making that change sometime in the future. Part of my plan is to step out of my comfort zones and confront my fears and do what I need to do.
8. If I could take a six-month sabbatical from my current job, what would I do? Travel around the world? Perform good deeds? Put my bottom in a chair and my nose in a book? If I don't know the answer, how can I begin to figure out what my dream is? All of the above. I know how much you learn from travel and I would love to travel abroad and know me and my son would and could see so much but I also would love to dedicate myself to doing good deeds or volunteering just to help and make a more fulfilled life for myself. And well sitting and reading a good book sounds nice too. But maybe on the beach shores of costa rica…
9. What do I like most about my appearance? What are my secret vanities? Can I be a show-off for a change? Can I strut my stuff on a regular basis? I guess my eyes, I can say I’m not vain I don’t have the self esteem to be vain. I don’t see myself as show off about appearance I have been in the past about my job or benefits of my job. I don’t see me strutting anywhere..
10. How do I envision myself at age 60? What would I like to look like? What would I like to know that I don't know now? What should I be doing now that I will happily look back on then? I wish I would be retired and traveling the world. I hope to be healthy and vibrant. I hope that I feel fulfilled in my life. I look forward to growing older and learning through all the stages of life. I hope I have found my true love and will still be happy in love.
11. Am I living my life for an audience? Have I internalized a watchful someone: Mom, Best Friend, Ex-Boyfriend? Is my audience worthy of judging me? How can I banish them forever and live for myself? I guess maybe in an unconscious way I do live for what people expect of me or what I think they do anyway. I have to make the effort to get to know what Julie wants and what Julie epects of herself and to hold my self accountable for that.
12. What can I do about the people I have disappointed and been disappointed by? If I could heal a damaged relationship, would I? Is there anyone whose lost friendship and regard I mourn? Or is it time to move on? I have learned this past year that you have to for your own sake make good for any disappointments you have caused and to forgive for any wrongs do onto you. I can not allow myself to hold a grudge or feel regret for my choices in life and I have to be accepting of what choices others make as well. I miss lost friendships not really mourn, there are many people I would like to get back in touch with.
13. How much money will I need for retirement? Does simply asking the question make me hyperventilate? Can I stand to do the math? Am I brave enough to begin? Where is the brown bag. I know there is so many more things I need to be doing to make sure my future is happy and financially stable. I do have a 401k at my job and thank god for it but I need to make the effort to invest and really learn to save my money for not only my future but my sons.
14. Am I as healthy as I want to be? If I imagine myself, circa 2005, how would I like to feel, physically and mentally? What steps should I be taking now to make sure that ideal becomes reality? NO NO NO NO .. not healthy at all. I have to make those life changes now so that I can be more energetic and happy. I want to grow old with my son and find love and live a full life and I have to make some serious life changes now!!!!
15. Am I capable of being alone? Does the prospect of an entire weekend by myself stimulate or panic me? If I'm not in psychic shape for the occasional bout of solitude, I need to be. Start thinking about what is scary about aloneness and how to overcome it. I think so. I look forward to peace and quite of alone time. I enjoy talking to my inner self and just like these questions sitting alone and contemplating the world and my life, my thoughts and feelings. Don’t get me wrong I love spending time with family and friends and I would miss my son but I could totally fall in love with a hammock on a beach or curled up next to a fire in the mountains all by my loansom.
16. Do I see success as a lavish banquet or a scarce commodity? When a good friend triumphs, do I feel depleted-------as if there's a limited amount of goodies to go around? Is it possible to transform envy into a this-means-I-can-do-it-too signal? I feel success happens in so many facets of life in small and huge ways and neither more important than the other. I love to see anyone accomplish something worth while to them. I may feel like I wish I could, but I could if I put in the work and made those choices for myself so I know my happiness is in my hands and I am in control of what choices I make.
17. How do I want to love and be loved? What is my definition of a wonderful marriage, partnership, love affair? How close have I come to finding that? What is left for me to know or do in order to attract the love I want? I have learned that there is no perfect scenerio for marriage or love. My fanatasy would be to have it all the perfect gentle man with the kids and dog and house with white fence but I really just want true love, filled with kindness and honesty. I want a partner that has my same values and beliefs and who is willing to make a true commitment to a partnership. I want to be happy and fell appreciated. I need to be in love with myself before anyone else will love me the way I deserve and I have a long road ahead to get to that point but verbalizing that is the first step. |
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| My World |
[Dec. 31st, 2003|01:59 pm] |
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Ok so it's been awhile. A long while I guess since I last splatered my thoughts on this journal thingy. I don't know why I guess I'm more of a lurker someone who enjoys reading about the rest of the world. It's much more interesting than what I have going on. But I figured I should bore you anyway.. Well I made it through the holidays. Barely. My mom was sick and my son was sick and we had relatives in town staying with us and thank god I had the week off work. I was under the pressure cooker to get all the last min shopping done and the stocking stuff put together and the grogery store detail. Oh and then the wrapping thank god Santa doesn't wrap his gifts.. and then the usual stuff the cleaning and laundry and cooking. Yikes I know makes you dizzy right.. Santa was good to me though so no complaints. At least santa's elf Karla and Jeff were. I love that they like to spend big money on family at christmas, they got me this perfume I thought I would never own b/c it is $175 for a 2 oz bottle but they knew I wanted it and got if for me oh and I got the $200 version the 4oz bottle.. in a gold plated flask. Yikes I know and my mom and dad hooked me up with my foo foo skin care products from Jurlique day spa.. I love that stuff but it ain't cheap at least $50 a bottle and for the total facial regiman it takes like 4 or 5 products.. but it smells and feels sooooooooo good, they got me started so I'll start my facial jar saving to get the rest. .. hey if I had it I would spend it too..My brother bought his wife a frickin $900 Pink Purse. Can you say so J Lo... but my sister in law is so J Lo except for the bootie.. ha ha ha.. Avery loved all his stuff and I felt very blessed to have my family there. Went and saw "Big Fish" with my mom and grandma and they were so funny they were dieing to tell someone anyone in there that they had been extras in the movie, finally after sitting through all the credits to make sure my brother wasn't mentioned for his work they told some folks leaving the theater, like two movie stars they were. "we were in that movie, we made the cutting room floor though" It was too funny. My brother was a key grip on that film and no on on his team except for the lead grip got mentioned. How horrible. He worked is butt off, he brought pictures over this weekend from the set. I think he has a pretty cool job although he works really hard and crazy long hours it's neat to see the behind the scenes of the movie world. The past several months have been kinda crazy. My parents are doing better than I have seen them. I believe we all need to be in therapy. It does wonders. We had a bump in the road on Friday after Christmas, the man that is stalking my mother called.. he wanted her to make time for him b/c he was coming to town. oh hell no!!! so we had to deal with the cops and restraining orders and such but luckily the jerk didn't show up.. (side note: stalker guy is an ex-friend of my moms from highschool that she started talking to when my parents started having marital problems and he turned crazy on her when she decided to work things out with my dad)... My dad went to his first treatment for his prostate cancer he was diagnosed with a few weeks ago. I know just when things were getting good another bump in the road. But from what all his doctors say he is a lucky one, b/c he has caught it early and it is very treatable... So that is good news.. My son is doing well. We still have our moments but he is such a sweet child and so smart (i'm not biased) and he just wants to know everything and touch and feel the world. he is so curious about how things work and why things do the things they do. He makes me laugh everyday. I wish I could bottle his energy though. Work is good. I enjoyed my time off but knew I had a lot of stuff waiting on me at work and I looked forward to getting back to reality and get my butt off the couch. I have so many "to do's" for 2004 and I swear I'm going to actually check some of it off by this time next year. Hey this guy at work was just leaving to go meet his wife they are pregnant and there is an issue with her blood or something any way he was asking me if I knew my blood type and oh my gosh I don't.. I called my mom and she doesn't know. How do you find that out. That is something I want to know.. I know I'm a little wierd. FYI the cheesy beany burrito at taco bell is great!! if your stomache can handle it you should all try it.. I am very excited about my plans for the evening. Not that there are big alaborate plans but I don't get out much and I have earned this night.. I plan on chillin with some friends and maybe even getting my drink on.. yeah yeah yeah I know, but really I think I can do it. actually get a buzz I mean.. we'll see.. so anyway this is a little bit of what has been going on in my life.. hope it wasn't too boring.. I wish everyone a wonderful New Year and be safe.. FYI a desinated driver does NOT mean the driver gets to drink till midnight and then stops for a few hours before driving the rest of the drunks home... Call a cab.. stay where you are.. Just don't drive if you have been drinking. Hell don't drive if your tired for that matter.. it is going to be a late night.. Don't risk it!! that is just me being mommy... lots of luck and love for the new year bring on 2004!!! |
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| that boy.. |
[Nov. 19th, 2003|03:40 pm] |
okay this is funny.. for some reason I was driving down the road and I starting thinking about this boy in my past. Have you ever had a boy that was just a physical relationship get my drift.. hint hint.. well this boy was that. It was wierd I never knew when I would see him or when he would show up or call. We never really ever talked much. I was introduced to him by that other boy,the one I wrote about yesterday.
The drama boy.. anyway this was his friend Neal. And we just connected. It was funny though b/c like I said there was not much converstation but when I was around him I just felt like I was on air.. It was like a world wind everytime we were together and it was always fun and a great time but looking back I really didn't know this boy. I knew what my friend told me and what I saw. I knew he was smart and funny. But I didn't know anything about his family or his life. Where he came from or what he wanted to do. I didn't know his favorite food or drink. I didn't know what got on his nerves. I knew he was awesome at chess and well that other stuff too.. ha ha ha.. I wish I had taken the time to get to know him better. He passed away a few years ago, a car accident left behind a wife and 2 kids. He had come by not too long before with his oldest son. He knew I had a little boy so he wanted to catch up. Just talking that time.. I can't explain it.. The way this boy and being with him made me feel. and I don't know why i'm thinking about him now. I guess maybe I miss having that. A no string no drama relationship with a good looking boy.. it's fun to reminisce |
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| It's Friday! |
[Sep. 12th, 2003|10:45 am] |
okay so I never write in this thing I just always read what ever one else writes and respond. But for some reason today I felt a bit froggy and wanted to actually post some thing. Well I was sad to hear about two major people dieing. It's such a shame that they are gone, but they will always be remembered. I was listening to the radio this morning and they were talking about woman who have turned a man down when they asked them to marry them b/c of the size of the ring. One chic said no b/c the guy gave her a family ring that was his great grandmas how sick is that. I guess i'm from the thinking that marriage is not about a ring or a wedding or a dress but about a commitment.. hello.. I love that commercial where the couple are at the grocery store and he gets a ring out of the gum ball machine and gets down on one knee, that is what it's about. Loving someone so much you just want to spend your life with them even with a plastic gum ball ring.. It's funny though my brother knew that his future wife would be one of those girls that might say no if the ring wasn't perfect so of course he spent tons of money on the big rock with the nicest band that he could find and of course she loved it and said yes and they are happily married for 4 years but you know that had he gotten a modest little diamond she probably would have scoffed of the question and said no.. I don't get that.. I guess it is a status thing.. I mean when was it established that you get a diamond in the first place wasn't it orginally just "GOLD" bands. the sympoblize the complete circle of love and life with 1 person.. am I the only person that thinks that way.. next men are going to be expecting a diamond ring from the girl.. geeezzzz..
so I'm lovin this weather change. I love Fall.. the cool breeze the leaves start to change. I want to go to a cabin or something chill in the hot tub.. oh yeah.. well I guess I don't really have too much else to say. I'm glad it is friday this week has been a struggle my son has had a bad week at school, we are still trying to figure out how to handle that and it isn't a pay check week so that always sucks.. ha ha ha .. where is my hammock? I would love to be chillin in a hammock with a good book and the sound of the water cascading behind me down a water fall or along the river bed.. and maybe one of those fine fire fighters I saw yesterday just happens to be ther next to me for moral support yeah right.. never gotten freaky in a hammock.. yikes.. get mind out of gutter.. i'm just trashy.. hee hee.. but it sounded fun.. so everyone have a good weekend and hope your day is safe and wonderful.. get out and enjoy life this weekend.. I has come to my attention it (life) is much too short, we should all smile more often and laugh with friends more often and hug one another more often.. My two cents ont he subject.. I'll remember this when dealing with my little demons bad behavior later today.. no i'm going to keep the positive outlook that he is having a great day too and he is going to a good little student all day.. |
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| my cracked pot friends! |
[Sep. 4th, 2003|01:09 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | froggy! | ] |
| [ | music |
| | some rap sone left in my head from the drive to work | ] |
A Water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole
which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while
the
other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.
At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot
arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the
bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for
which
it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection,
and
miserable that it w! as able to accomplish only half of what it had been made
to
do.
After 2 years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the
water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to
apologize to you. I have been able to deliver only half my load because this
crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.
Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full
value from your efforts," the pot said.
The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on
your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I
have
always known! about your flaw, and I planted flower seeds on your side of the
path, and every day while we walk back, you've watered them. For two years I
have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.
Without
you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the
house."
Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots, but it's
the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very
interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they
are, and look for the good in them.
Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.
I thank ! God for all of my cracked-pot friends. |
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| End of the Week |
[Aug. 15th, 2003|11:01 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  giggly | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the air conditioner blowing.. | ] |
Okay so it has been awhile since I graced these pages with my own personal journal entry so I figured what the hell. Today is Friday thank goodness and as usually I don't have a big weekend plan, nothing wrong with that I like relaxation that is a good thing. This was my sons first week of kindergaten and I got a phone call from his teacher the very 1st day. This is going to be a struggle I know but I had a conference with his teacher yesterday and I have confidence that we will work through this and have a good year. or maybe i'm in denial either way I can't stress about. I have what 12, 13 more years yikes. Work has been busy with that stupid smug bug or whatever our systems have been all out of wack. makes for a rough week and then I had a training class yesterday. I got to take apart and fix some of our new phones coming out this fall. I now know how to remove the GPS antenna and replace the antenna bushing contact. ha ha ha.. important stuff to know ya know.. I have a lot coming up the next couple weeks, I have Bristol next week yeah come on.. some good old fun with the rednecks and nascar.. and then I have a trip for business to Arizona to the 115 degree hot as hell in the middle of the desert town of Phoneix. I'm sure they have lots of fun activities planned for us so no complaints other than the location and the flight of 4 hrs... I can't believe it is almost the end of August and fall is quickly closing in. I'm ready for 60, 70 degree days.. camping in the brisk air no bugs.. speaking of bugs I have been eaten up by critters at the football field.. I have come prepared tonight. I have cutters.. beware mean old bugs.. your not getting to my legs anymore.. DIE!!! sorry moment of insanity.. well I guess I'll stop my ramble. |
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| profound thought! |
[Aug. 7th, 2003|02:00 pm] |
Okay so I came across the quote and it struck me so deep. I really thought wow what a wonderful insight.
"I have loved where I have been. I have loved the dream of where I will be, and I live where I am now. I have pursued, found and practied happiness."
I thought that was a neat way of looking at life and living. My grandmother had a heart attack yesterday and now they are finding all these things enteral bleeding etc etc and my mom is there and she is so stressed and now she is having what we call "an episode" she has this diesese called manares (spelling may be wrong) and it causes fluid in her ear canal to become un-balance and she gets dizzy and can't function. So me and my dad are here in Atlana while my mom and grandma are in Indiana and it sucks. It is so hard for me to think of my grandma as being elderly. She is closing in on 80 but she is so spunky and lively. she bowls and plays golf and she loves to travel. I hate to see her down. I guess at some point your body catches up with your age. So say a quick prayer for the familia..
I saw another saying today at a church that made me once again stop and think.. "In trying times don't stop trying" |
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